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How Not To Be Poor

by Daniel Chun
November/December 2007

But I did have one thing those rats didn’t have: a dream. A dream of one day being so rich that I’d be able to afford all the rats I could ever want, and servants to tie them to my feet for me.

Writing a piece for the money issue of 02138 is a special treat for me, because I happen to really like money—especially the having of it. And I am fortunate enough to have made lots of it. I’ve tasted the high life—private jets, beach houses, polo clubs, secret super-polo clubs where instead of horses we ride the members of the normal polo clubs—but I’ve also known what it’s like to do without. It wasn’t too long ago that I was just a penniless loser, no better than the rats I tied to my feet for warmth. But I did have one thing those rats didn’t have: a dream. A dream of one day being so rich that I’d be able to afford all the rats I could ever want, and servants to tie them to my feet for me. Now here I am. And I want you to join me.

For those of you not lucky enough to be heirs, attaining wealth might seem daunting. You might be wondering, “Is it hard?” or “What if I have to go to the bathroom?” Rest assured—it is not hard, and I have gone to the bathroom for you. As a member of the Harvard community, you will find that becoming rich is second nature. All you have to do is read the helpful money-getting tips you’ll find after this colon. This one here:

how to become rich

Invest: You don’t need to go to HBS to know the basic axiom of investing: buy low and sell high. So how do you beat the market—and all the other investors? By using my special system: buy really low, and sell wicked high.

Write a song that advertisers will buy: Songs like “All Star” and “Simply Irresistible” rake in the licensing fees because they work well in TV commercials—a certain body spray will make you an “All Star” and a restaurant’s popcorn shrimp is “Simply Irresistible.” Write a song with this in mind. Here are some ideas for killer songs: “What a Bargain,” “That’s The Quality Craftsmanship I’ve Come To Expect From These Guys,” and “I Thought All Picante Sauces Were The Same ... Until Now.”

Start a hedge fund: Preferably in 2001. That way you’d be a billionaire by now. To pull this off you’d need to invent a time machine. Actually, why haven’t you invented a time machine already? It’s such an obvious moneymaker. I’m beginning to doubt you have it in you.

Poach gorillas: As gorillas become rarer, their black market price gets higher. What are you waiting for? Now mind you, I don’t normally endorse poaching, but I think it’s OK as long as you’re just doing it for the money. It also helps if you only kill gorillas that are jerks—you can identify them by their hugeness and the dead poachers scattered at their feet.

Become a soccer star: Ronaldinho makes $29 million a year. Think how much you would make if you were three times as good as he is? Or five times better? Imagine what you would make if you were 10 times better! There is literally no limit to how high a number I can write.

Pyramid schemes: Pyramid schemes are a great way to sucker people out of their money, and mine is among the best. For details and instructions, send me $500, care of 02138 magazine.

Befriend a rich guy you went to Harvard with: Billionaires always think people only like them for their money. While this is true, don’t make it obvious. Pretend you are unfamiliar with money. Put it in your mouth as if it’s food. The billionaire will think it’s so funny that he will keep giving you more. Tell him that the ones with the high numbers taste better. Act like a big idiot to make it convincing. Make grunting noises. Roll around. That’s it. Drool. You’re doing great. Poop your pants a little.

Porn expunging: I predict this will be the fastest-growing industry over the next ten years. When young men die unexpectedly, what becomes of the porn on their computers? Is it left there to be discovered by Mom or the little woman, soiling the legacy of their beloved son or husband? Or is it expunged by you, under cloak of night, with some sort of expunging ray? I think option two, the expunge one.

Win big in Vegas: “But Danny,” you might be saying in a bitchy voice, “I thought the House always wins.” That’s why you should change your name to “The House.” Brilliant strategy or moronic wordplay? Hm. Moronic wordplay. Sorry. I just wanted to see how it looked on the page. It looks bad.

As you can see, there are almost ten ways to become rich. But there is only one way to remain poor: by not trying. Or having medical tragedies befall your family. Bye!

See Danny Chun and other writers of The Simpsons on the picket lines.