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Best Job Ever!

by John Aboud , Michael Colton
Spring 2007

As this magazine tirelessly reminds us with its snazzy red underlines, Harvard University has produced Nobel Prize winners, financial titans, medical geniuses, literary giants, even Michael Dukakis. But as accomplished as these graduates may be, none of them struggles with the formidable challenge that we two proud sons of Harvard face every week: coming up with fresh jokes about Paris Hilton.

Though our day job is writing groundbreaking screenplays and television pilots that never see the light of day, we also have a steady gig as pop-culture commentators on the cable network VH1—home of shows such as Best Week Ever, I Love the 70s, I Love the 80s, I Love the 90s, even I Love Toys. (Though, truth be told, we are only lukewarm about toys.) We once branched out to Country Music Television, sticking our heads inside a giant foam Yule log to deconstruct Christmas-themed videos. In retrospect, that was a poor choice.

After seeing us mock Britney and Lindsay on TV, people often ask us, “Don’t you think you’re wasting your Harvard degree? You could be a doctor, a lawyer, something important.” To which we usually reply, “Enough, Dad! I get it!”

We certainly do not view our VH1 work as undignified, not even the segments about The Bachelor. In fact, our studies at Harvard perfectly prepared us for a career in the snarky arts. You can see the roots in our senior theses: “The Upskirt: Continuity and Change in Celebrity Genital Photography, 1904-1963” (Michael, VES); “Oh No, You Didn’t!: Bitches, Sluts, and Catfights in the Novels of Jane Austen” (John, History and Literature). Indeed, snarkiness is as rich a Harvard tradition as grade inflation. Who can forget Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackmun telling Stephen Breyer that Antonin Scalia had gained so much weight, “he makes Anthony Kennedy look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg!” Hilarious.

We believe that our appearances on VH1 serve a valuable cultural function—as vital as whatever it is that hippie Dr. Weil does. A stable society depends upon common experiences and shared points of reference, especially stupid ones. We may never get a national consensus on tax policy, but we can all agree that Rosie O’Donnell is grating. Or that Tara Reid’s drunken mishaps are delightfully grotesque. Or that it’s now acceptable to listen to Justin Timberlake. By cracking wise about such matters of state, we provide the moronic glue that holds our fragile, dumb democracy together. Mocking the latest plot turns on Grey’s Anatomy is completely in keeping with the Harvard call to service. It’s not as selfless as, say, running a hedge fund, but then, what is?

Another reason we take pride in our work is because it denies airtime to old Eli. To our horror, the Yale Daily News recently reported that many Yale alumni are appearing on Comedy Central, which could reflect “a shift in the dynamics of television comedy away from Harvard’s traditional dominance.” This raises an important question: Why were we reading the Yale Daily News? Now that we have blazed a basic-cable trail, we encourage other graduates to follow in our footsteps. “Ironic punditry” may not be a priority for the Office of Career Services, but you should know that our job has its perks: VH1 pays us literally hundreds of dollars a week. And consider this: Lawyers don’t get recognized on the street by teenage girls. Well, maybe Dershowitz.

Our advice to the talking heads of tomorrow is as simple as Jessica Simpson. The pop-culture commentary track has the same demands as a career in politics, finance, or science: hard work, determination, and the ability to tell the Olsen twins apart. With any luck, one day you, too, will use the critical thinking skills that Harvard taught you to dissect the latest celebrity sex tape.